Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
