Your dad touched me again.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
