So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
