How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
