I accidentally burped into my bong.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just forgot I was standing up.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
