can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
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I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
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Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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