OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
