Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
