You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
love makes seman taste better
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
