then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
