god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He better not be in your backpack
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
