I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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