I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
