can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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