Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
