Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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