My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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