Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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