Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
