I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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