My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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