he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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