Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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