I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
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We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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