Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
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He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
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I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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