Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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