$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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