I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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