You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
