i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
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I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
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On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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