oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
