I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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