You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
