Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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