my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
