Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
