Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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