Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
