I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
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Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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