Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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