i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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