I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
