We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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