yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
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Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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