i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
