I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
