I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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