What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day