There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
