nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
