why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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