no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
