Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
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I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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