I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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