Joe is yelling at the trees again.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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